Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.