Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
tell em, edith-anne
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong