Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
📂Years
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