I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Have a lovely day 😊
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.