This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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cyclists
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.