Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Don’t touch that.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)