When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Happy Thanksgiving
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.