Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
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girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
won’t smith
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’