I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
same vibe as tangled headphones
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”