Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
respect
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Lucky for them, they’re cute
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”