Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion