5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
watergate? u mean a dam??
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.