5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
That earthquake could have been an email.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up