When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Festive toon…
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Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing