I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
This squirrel eats better than I do
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.