I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.