Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
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da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Extremely relatable.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.