[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
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Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.