I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
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Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil