Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
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People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach