People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Ovenable?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
set yourself free xox
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots