“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
wait.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
*praying for world peace*
God:
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.