@bornmiserable

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

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@Shade510

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

@DanMentos

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

@SortaBad

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

@Cpin42

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

@bonniemcfarlane

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

@annajames33

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

@MatCro

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

@FBSisnothere

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist