in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.