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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist