When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
okay run it by me one more time
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what