okay run it by me one more time
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I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Lmfao
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.