In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally