Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
oh my god
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”