We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
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To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
You had me at “define legal”.