Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
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Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Schrödinger’s cookie
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.