rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
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*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
New Tinder profile.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.