Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.