[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Life with a cat in one tweet
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE