[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I hope Alan is OK
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!