It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
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My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?