Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
also my go-to takeaway order
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.