I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Strangers have the best candy.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.