Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
You Might Also Like
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.