Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific