Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
jesus, what did this guy do
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?