Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
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when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
and this one
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
lmfao come on
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.