Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Lmbo
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
just witnessed a drug deal
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x