I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.