My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
How times have changed.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for