@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

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@djdarrellripley

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

@_elvishpresley_

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

@TheTimmyToes

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@panmidwest

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

@grain_death

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

@SteveDutzy

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@JediGigi

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.