i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.