Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s