Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.