Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
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Pretty much. 🤣
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.