Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
The Compass
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.