My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
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I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
accurate
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.