best review i’ve ever seen
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Whoa 😂
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go