I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
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I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
shampoo implies shampee
Cake safety first. Always.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Message from the dog groomers
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.