I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“no gods no masters” = leo
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Smile they said.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.