A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?