Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“our sushi is very fresh”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours