Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*