Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.