@DrakeGatsby

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

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@MrEmilyHeller

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

@Danielephant

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

@PoodleSnarf

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

@AndreyasAsylum

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

@TheAlexNevil

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

@mela_shea

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

@PleaseBeGneiss

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*