Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!